Really? Seriously?

So, long time, no write. I know. Things have been crazy chaotic. We went to our appointment with the immunology clinic on September 17th. I am amazed at how smoothly the medical center runs. They are definitely a well oiled machine. We were called back, after waiting just a few minutes, for vitals and our room. Within minutes, the fellow came in and took a thorough history. Having ALL of Kate's records in one file (even had a calendar of EVERY illness, vaccine, appointment, etc.) sure came in handy. The fellow was very nice and knowledgeable. Once we had covered all the bases, she went and met with the immunologist to go over our case.

The immunologist then came in with a few more questions. She informed us that she wanted to rerun ALL of Kate's immune panels, as well as her vaccine titers and a few new tests (WBC function, etc). She explained that in using an average lab, they pool your results with any one else classified as human; age, gender and race ignored. Looking at Kate's results from our pedi, she felt that Kate had more of an immature immune system, than a deficient one, based off their clinic's numbers. They have actually done the research to break down the numbers for every age, down to the month, in children. Using their lab at the medical center, the risk of error would be less and they would be able to have a baseline to compare future labs taken there with.

She went on to explain that Kate didn't have the number of hospitalizations and some other symptoms to warrant infusions or any big treatment. She was much more concerned that her asthma and reflux were not being controlled. She really believes this is causing a LOT of her problems. We had SO many questions answered and left with an incredible peace knowing what we were looking at. She explained that she didn't expect to get any drastic differences in the new labs and made a game plan according to this. Basically we need to continue what we've been doing and get in to a GI doctor ASAP. She did change her Pulmicort back to Flovent to try and get her off of the twice a day, mandatory breathing treatments. She felt that part of her behavior problems were from not feeling well and partly from being pinned down for 20 minutes, twice a day. As she stated, "You only have so much tolerance for things and when it's gone, it's gone".

She had a respiratory therapist come in to show us the proper way to use a meter-dosed inhaler, spacer and mask. That was almost as informative as the rest of the appointment. I have used inhalers for years and had no idea I wasn't using them efficiently. Apparently the average adult only gets about 25% of the medicine per puff. You can imagine how effective this is with children. I knew that for Kate and myself, the nebulizer is much more effective, but didn't know why. She seems to be doing better with the inhaler with the new spacer and mask we received. She also added Reglan to her regiment to help with the reflux until we get into GI (we have an appointment in early December that we are trying our hardest to get that bumped up). She also asked that we get a clear x-ray of her chest when we thought she was well. She said she didn't want to over look if it could be Cystic Fibrosis, but she felt pretty strongly that it wasn't. She had pulled up all of her x-rays and hadn't found a one that was "clear". I'm not really sure how we are going to manage to get that, but we will try.

Within a few days, the doctor called with the lab results. It was fairly good news. Her IGG had come up from 420 to 520 and her IGG was still at 22. Her vaccine titers looked good and all of the other tests came back within normal ranges. The final word at this point is that her immune system is immature. She should outgrow this by age 4, if she is going to. They want to redraw all of her labs there annually to keep an eye on it.

Since then Kate wound up with a double ear infection, croup and upper respiratory infection. Her ear infection was just shortly after the immunology appointment and so we know it hadn't been there that long. It was pretty bad for being "new". She wound up on steroids, antibiotics and breathing treatments around the clock all because of an ear infection. With that, her pedi felt that she should be evaluated for having tubes put in her ears. She feels that she may be refluxing into her ears, as well as her sinuses, and that could cause problems and infections of its own. It took over two weeks to get over this all and for the wheezing to be gone.

Thursday Leah came home from school with a note that someone in her class had been diagnosed with the flu. Friday she woke up with a stuffy, runny nose. By Saturday she had a cough. It never really got bad, just didn't get better. Last night she was running a temp of 102 so I decided to take her in today, despite the fact she was acting alright. Her only complaints were that her neck hurt and that she was sad that she couldn't go to school or play with the neighbors. At about 12:45 AM, Kate woke up screaming. She was up until 4 o'clock this morning with a snotty nose and cough. She sounds just like Leah does.

This morning, Tuesday, I took Kate to her ENT appointment. I really liked the doctor. She was thorough and very down to earth. She explained that she didn't think that tubes would be a "cure all", but felt that they would help. If we could even eliminate one or two ear infections a year, that is that many less antibiotics, breathing treatments and steroid courses. She felt it would be beneficial to take her adenoids out while she was in there. She felt that this would save an inevitable future surgery. She does not want to take her tonsils unless she gets in there and they are really bad because that IS part of her immune system. She feels that this surgery will be one "piece of the pie" to getting her healthy, as will getting her reflux in control, etc. She said that while the surgery would be doing nothing to fix her lungs, she has had patients that have had much asthma relief from it. We are praying for that!

Since we are about to change insurances, surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning at the medical center. We have tickets for U2 Wednesday night and although we will be dragging Thursday morning, we need to get this done. I asked the ENT about Kate's stuffy nose and whether or not this would effect surgery (as she didn't realize it was already in the books) and she felt like it could go either way. She wanted me to have her check by the pedi when I took Leah in and see what they thought. Ultimately it would be up to anesthesiology.

I took the girls in this afternoon and the doctor decided to do a flu swab. Since swine flu is so common around here right now, they have stopped swabbing and are just giving medicine to people who are severe. Knowing Kate's history, coupled with a pending surgery, they decided it was worth it. The swine flu seems to be milder than what the media thought it was going to be. Leah's swab came back positive, Kate's was negative. The doctor is almost certain Kate is coming down with it too, but its not in her system enough to show on the test yet. Since Leah has had it for several days, is otherwise healthy and isn't really being "harmed" by it, they are letting her ride it out. Since Kate has a history with respiratory issues and getting hit hard by bugs and is scheduled for surgery, they started her on Tamiflu. I thank God that Leah did get it first so that we could test her to "see the future" with Kate. I have a feeling it would have been dismissed if Kate had gotten it first and I had taken her in this earlier in the illness. Surgery or not, catching it this early with Kate's history is an immeasurable benefit.

I called and spoke to the ENT about our findings. She said she wasn't too concerned about it since Kate hadn't even had a fever yet and since she was getting on the Tamiflu so quickly. She felt we would be catching it early enough that she wouldn't be too bad off. It is still up to anesthesia though. They should be assigning the anesthesiologist between 12 and 3 tomorrow and we can call and ask them what they think. Assuming she doesn't spike a high fever or have any worse symptoms, I think we will be a "go". There is always the chance we will get down there and they will not do it. The ENT warned me that swine flu is a "sensitive" subject with the medical center and that they are screening anyone that comes through the doors. She said that we would probably be quarantined and wouldn't be allowed in the waiting rooms. We would be taken directly to our room. Darn! Maybe we can avoid picking anything "new" up while we are there this way.

The surgery should take about 45 minutes and be pretty minor. The doctor made it clear that if her oxygen saturation is down at all after surgery, they would be keeping her overnight for observation. Knowing Kate and the fact hers tends to run low, added with the swine gunk, I'll be packing a bag, just in case. Part of me wants to postpone it, but I really feel we just need to get it done. Leah is out of school this week, so we don't have to worry about being here to pick her up, Daddy-O "coincidentally" was scheduled off for Thursday and Friday and I am not taking care of my nephew at all this week. On so many levels, it seems like the perfect time. We are praying that the anesthesiologist makes the "right" choice for what is best for her. If we don't do it this week, there is no guarantee that she will be well the next time it is scheduled. At least for now, she is having NO wheezing, which is very rare for her. I know that they will not do the surgery if she is wheezing. Waiting for her to get "well" for something, is worse than watching paint dry. I hate to put her body through too much, but am trying to focus on the outcome and am leaving the call in the physician and the Great Physician's hands.

I've had trouble deciding what to do about the U2 concert as well. They are one of Daddy-O's all time favorite bands. Eight years ago, they had a concert in town the same week we were slated to be on our honeymoon. He had a tough time choosing. Four years ago, they came back and he had just been laid off and we didn't have the money to go. I promised we would go this time and we've had the tickets since the minute they went on sale. I REALLY don't want to miss it. Ask me if I'd have voted differently on Friday! It's definitely shaping up to be a busy, crazy, chaotic week!

Despite this all, God's timing continues to be perfect. Our babysitter for tomorrow didn't cancel despite the girls illness, the fact that we caught Kate's SO early and can treat it proactively, having Daddy-O scheduled to be off for two week days (this never happens) especially to have it line up with the surgery day AND we received a refund check from our insurance company at EXACTLY the right time. God is good all the time and ALL the time God is good!!!!

Please join us in praying:

-Leah would continue to get better

-Kate would not get any worse or run any fever

-Kate would get over the cough and runny nose quickly

-Daddy-O and I would stay healthy

-if it's God's will, the surgery will happen on Thursday

-the surgery would go successfully, with little pain and complication

-the surgery would bring Kate some relief

-thanking God for his blessings and timing

5 More Days

In five days we go to our Immunology appointment. It couldn't come quick enough. I've spent the last few days putting together a detailed, chronological, color coded binder of ALL of Kate's history. After getting her prescription history from the pharmacies, I realized how happy I am to have this appointment. In her 16 month life, she's had over 50 prescriptions. Now keep in mind, 75% of her illnesses have been "viral" which means there is nothing to be done for them. Then figure for every prescription, there was a doctor's visit, not counting the MANY visits without perscriptions. And we wonder why we are broke?!?!?

I took Kate in to the pediatrician last Friday to have her lungs checked before the holiday weekend. The doctor said she sounded worse without the stethoscope and it was mostly upper respiratory. I let her know about the appointment downtown and she agreed that we should get the second opinion. She made it VERY clear that people who need them don't even get appointments with this doctor. She seemed to think it was quite odd it "fell in our laps" too. She recommend we continue breathing treatments to prevent anything for settling. We've been doing that and it seems to have passed. 10 days later, she is still having some fever, but nothing else and she is not NEAR as cranky.

I've grown increasingly concerned over her behaviour lately. Several people have commented on how she seems to feel so bad. She has started having what I can only describe as rages. She gets so angry and will pull her hair, bite, scream, or hit. One day last week she did this for almost two hours and at one point even ripped off all her clothes, diaper included. She surprised herself, in that she didn't know she could take her own shirt off. It worries me that either, A) her meds are causing this behavior or B) she really feels that bad. I'm afraid it's going to become who she is.

I am a worry wort. It's something I've struggled with my WHOLE life. I am SO thankful that this appointment has been given to us, but on the other hand, I'm worried. I can see two "logical" reasons that this appointment would have "fallen" in our laps versus the March 2010 appointment, when there are many others that could probably use it more than us. Reason 1: There is some piece of information that we are missing that could be important for Kate's health now. This scares me. It scares me that maybe God thought this was big enough that it needed to be dealt with now. Reason 2: God knows what a worrier I am and is sparing me (and my family) from having 7 months of worry. The truth is it doesn't matter what the reason is for the appointment, God is in control and has a plan and I have to learn to sit back and wait for Him. I know that God holds Kate in the palm of His hand and there is NO other place I would have her (or the rest of us) be.

15 Months Old

Kate, you turned 15 months old on July 25th. This month you:

-Weigh 22 pounds, 13.8 ounces (50%)

-Are 31 inches tall (75%)

-Have an 18 1/4 inch head (50-75%)

-Wear mostly 12 month clothes and size 3 diapers

- Wear size 3 or 4 shoes

-Really love swimming, especially in the baby pool without a float

- Enjoy floating in the lazy river in a big tube

-Are still a fairly mellow kid

-Have the cutest round face and look just like your mommy did at this age

-Are ALWAYS on the go. You would go from sun up til sun down if we let you.

-Think that anything with a loop is a necklace and will wear it as such

-Have started assisting when we dress you

-Mind simple commands most of the time

-Still have a curious, onery side too

-Have started talking more and say daddy, thank you, welcome, JT and mommy often

-Were diagnosed with asthma

-Have continued to be sick a lot

-Are happy and energetic 95% of the time, despite being sick. Everyone tells us you look way too good to be as sick as you have been.

-Think that anything you can sit on is a horse and worthy of riding

-Love to climb up the front of mommy or daddy to do a flip

-Enjoyed your first 4th of July parade, despite the heat

-Love going for walks in your cozy coupe car

-Are still best friends with your sister

-Want to do everything your sister does

-Enjoy riding on anything that moves, especially carousels

-Do NOT enjoy being told no
-Can throw some pretty ugly fits

-Visited your first ranch

-Were not too fond of cowboy boots

-Are a thrill seeker and will try ANY thing once

-Loved the zip line at the ranch. (I am pretty sure it was not designed with infants in mind)

-Love water and water slides, no matter how big they are

-Have NO fears other than being away from mommy

-Will ask for "more" as soon as you quit choking on the water

-Would ride over and over again if your parents didn't get so tired

-Are best buds with Isaiah. The gap between your ages is getting smaller and smaller.

-Tend to bully Isaiah and even beat him up sometimes

-Have finally noticed the TV and will watch it for a few minutes here and there

-Are quite likely to sit still if food is involved (ie. popcorn)

-Share your sister's love of dress up

-Are starting to pretend more and more

-Have great fashion sense. You probably got that from your mom! :)

-Never miss a beat. You know everything that is going on around you.

-Are very allergic to mosquito bites and have had several episodes of swelling up because of them. (see her index finger? That was a few days old)

-Went to your first circus. Although you weren't too interested in the show, you loved the snacks and being our own personal clown.

-Are SO full of life and excitement

Kate, you add so much excitement and laughter to our lives. We are SO blessed to have you.

The Latest

Has it really almost been a month? WOW! My success rate is getting worse. Things here are plugging along. Kate fought a tummy bug for the last 3 weeks. She was really bad off for about 10 days and then it was come and go for the next week and a half. She has officially quit nursing and I have officially quit pumping for nutritional purposes (only occasionally for comfort). She has been pretty cranky this month. She has been evolving into a two year old way too quickly for our liking. Fits, fights and talking in sentences. She is growing up quick!

Speaking of growing, Leah is turning has completely lost anything remotely toddler that she had left. She is constantly spelling, trying to read and has mastered the teenage attitude. Her behavior has been MUCH better than it was a few months ago. She has spent a lot of time soaking in the last days of summer, swimming and playing with our neighbor, Ava. As of last week, Ava's older sisters all went back to school, leaving Ava lonely. No later than 8:00, every single day, Leah is in asking if they can play. They spend all day together and they are very excited about starting school together on Tuesday. The other day I took her to buy school shoes, as she has lived in flip flops all summer. Her foot had grown 2 whole sizes since I had last bought her shoes! She is becoming more beautiful daily, inside and out.

The past week has been one of the most productive weeks of my life. I cleaned out and organized every room and closet in the house, purged off season and "too small" clothes, pulled all of the hand me downs out of the attic, wash and ironed all of the clothes for summer, fall and winter, cleaned the house top to bottom and we disassembled, moved and reassembled a huge play structure we were given for the girls. This was all on top of the "normal" jobs of the household. It felt GREAT!

About two weeks ago, I chatted, via email, with the mother of a sweet boy who has the same deficiencies as Kate. It was very nice to get some advice from a mother who has dealt with this all and I appreciate her contacting me and sharing with me so openly. After talking with her, I realized that I still hadn't received a copy of Kate's lab results and had them faxed to me. I soon realized that Kate's counts weren't that far off from her son's, who is on IVIG transfusion therapy. This left me with all sorts of questions and concerns over the coming flu season. I already had it in the back of my mind to get a second opinion. Later that day my cousin, whose daughter has the same deficiencies as Kate, called with a report from their immunology appointment that day. Even later that day, my mother-in-law called and explained that she had been at a doctor's appointment and mentioned Kate's issues. This doctor highly recommended getting a second opinion from the medical center and referred us to two pediatric immunologists, one being a Dr. D.

I took this third knock as my "sign" that I should go ahead and schedule a second opinion. While I know that Kate's case is not severe and is probably even mild, I still have so many unanswered questions. I also worry (especially since she's had such a rough time in the "off season") that by the time we get referred to a specialist through our doctor, she will be really bad off. At that point, I know from experience, if we can get in, it will be a game of treating symptoms and illnesses to get her well enough to figure out what is going on. I would much rather get her in while she is somewhat "well" and see what we can do to help keep her that way. Ideally, a second opinion would tell us that we are already doing what we can and we would continue care with our pediatrician. Even in this case, that still gets our foot in the door as an established patient, in the event things go south. Worst case scenario, we waste the day, hopefully get some questions answered and go on our way. I'm willing to risk that!

I wanted a doctor close to home, but came to the conclusion that we have one of the best medical centers in the world in our backyard. People travel across the world to be treated here. Why would I not utilize it? I called the number that I was given by my mother-in-law and was surprised to hear Dr. D, herself, on the other line. Luckily it was her voicemail, but it was obvious I had been given the number that the other doctor uses to reach her at. I left a message, stammering and stuttering, letting her know that I had been given this number, was sorry to have used it and was hoping to get an appointment to have my daughter seen.

I then googled her name to find her office number. I called and was put through to the mass appointment scheduling desk. There I learned that the next available appointment was March 2010. I decided I better go ahead and schedule it in case we needed it, so we wouldn't be put on the end of the list later on. I figured we would have plenty of time to cancel it if she improved. I then spoke to my cousin again and got her immunologists info. Called them and they didn't take our insurance. Called another friend and got the doctors info and was able to make an appointment for mid-September.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was upstairs visiting with a friend when the phone rang. Daddy-O took the call and almost forgot to give me the message later that day. It was Dr. D who called. He explained what we had called about and she was totally cool. She stated that we needed to call and set an appointment, that it would probably be for March next year and register in the system, all which we had done. She said to then call her personal nurse at this number and explain to her that we had spoken directly to Dr. D and she would move the appointment up for us. Sounds simple, but seriously? What are the odds?

I called her nurse, who was not only sweet, but super knowledgeable too. She explained that they were a teaching hospital and walked us through what to expect at our appointment, covering every detail. She set us up with an appointment the same week we were scheduled to see the other doctor, in mid-September. She asked a couple questions about Kate's history and immediately started listing tests the doctor would want done that day (one of them being one that I had asked our doctor about). She said to allow 4 hours for the appointment plus lab time. I was SO shocked, I didn't even realize that I was agreeing to be 2 hours (with rush hour traffic) from my house at 8:00 in the morning for this appointment. Beggars can't be choosers.

The way it all played out so flawlessly tells me that there is a MUCH greater hand orchestrating our lives. What a great place to be, securely in our Father's hands! When the nurse set up the appointment it wasn't with one of the doctors that had been recommend. I felt silly asking, but inquired as to whether or not the doctors all worked together since this is a clinic setting. It was then that she informed me that the doctor we had an appointment with is actually the Head of Pediatric Immunology for Texas Children's. As she stated, "You are in GOOD hands". If she only knew. WE are in the BEST hands!

I am totally at peace knowing that God lined up this appointment and am excited to get this second opinion. While I fully trust our pediatrician, I feel like I need some questions answered and a little more specific information. As you all know by now, I don't deal with unknowns very well. I know that we can rest assured in what we find out. God has cleared this path for us and I am excited to head down it.

I don't think the appointment will be any too early either, as Kate is on the upper respiratory bug fast track again this week. Sneezing, sniffling, coughing, hoarse, fever, fussy, wheezing.. oh yeah, we've got it all! I'm sure by Friday we will be on around the clock breathing treatments. Please pray that we are able to keep her off of oral steroids during this, as I know that those will throw the upcoming tests.

I PROMISE I will get to Kate's 15 and 16 month posts, Leah's 5 year post and some funnies real soon!!!! I'm afraid I've bored my audience and they've all left.

Catching Up

Where did I leave off? Oh, yeah, weaning and whining...

Well, Kate hasn't nursed since my last post. I've had to pump to try and wean myself, but am down to once a day and hoping to be done with that in a few days. She still hasn't taken to drinking the expressed milk unless I hide it in her yogurt drink, with her probiotics. It's like a baby smoothie.

As of late Saturday it was obvious that Kate had come down with a stomach virus. She had the type of diarrhea that she could be dry one second and wet up to her armpits the next. Nothing but water, very acidic water. Because of this problem, coupled with her propensity for diaper rash, she was miserable. After the first 36 hours of stomach cramps, her tummy seemed to feel fine. The rash was her biggest complaint. We followed all the typical stomach virus advice. We followed the BRAT (bananas, rice, apples and toast) diet, changed her diapers often and immediately (due to the nature of the problem, this wasn't optional), used an antacid directly on her skin, rinsed her bottom with water instead of using wipes, coated her up in Balmex, Butt Paste, Desitin and corn starch, watched closely for dehydration and prayed that the rest of us would avoid it.

By Monday the diaper rash had gotten out of hand. It was up to her armpits. Every place that was touched by the stuff was burned instantly. She had spots that were bleeding and was just in a lot of pain. I called and asked for something stronger and got the whole, "It's been going on too long, she needs to be seen" spiel. If I could get through to the doctor, instead of the nurse, I am sure she would have called something in, avoiding more exposure. After all we had been in the week before for a "well" check. Wonder where she got the tummy bug? The doctor checked her out, said it was acid burns and wrote for a prescription of Happy Hiney (Aquaphor/Questran). She wrote for a big tub with 5 refills, so hopefully we can avoid the trip in next time. By Friday, she was finally feeling better and more solid. Although she is back to normal, she still cries about having her diaper change. She must have had some serious pain.

Since she was waking several times a night for diaper changes, she got in the habit of getting up every night. The last 2 nights she has slept the whole night through. The diarrhea, constant diaper changing, multiple loads of laundry (that wasn't the type that could wait), pumping 3+ times a day, 2 breathing treatments a day, made for a cranky mommy. I think we are finally back to normal for a few days.

On top of all of this, things are crazy busy at work. We have an order of 525 shirts for a school, we have a bunch of school orientations that we are setting booths up at and we are trying to get our spirit shirts out to as many schools as possible with the new school year just around the corner.

We are trying to enjoy the last few weeks of summer, as Leah starts school in a few weeks. She will be going a half day, four days a week. She is ready for the structure and a break from home (the babies) and I know that she will do well and thrive in this new environment. She will be in the same class as our neighbor, Ava, which will help her settle in. It will also be a huge blessing to be able to carpool.

While I feel like I am getting more of a "grip" on things, I still am having trouble with keeping my head above the water. I've been so emotional and cranky lately. I think I'm going through some hormonal changes, with the weaning and all, and I know a big part of my problem is exhaustion. Even when I sleep, I know that my body is not completely letting go. I lay there tense, worried about whether or not Kate's going to wake up or making lists of the things I've got to get done. Many times I've met Daddy-O in the stairwell on his way to work, while I'm headed to bed at 4 in the morning. I have got to get myself (and my kiddos) on a better schedule, especially with the start of school coming quickly.

I wrote before about how I felt drained. Daddy-O and I discussed the church issues and decided that Kate would just have to go to class with us. We decided that we would have to let her be a kid (while still trying to be respectful to those around us) and not worry about every noise she made. We went to class and within 5 minutes, Daddy-O had her in the hall. Between class and service we decided that we needed to discipline her behavior (mostly loudness) and take her back in to class or service. Otherwise it is a losing battle. We tried this approach in service and it went okay. I took her out once for a spanking. She spent most of the time with my hand covering her mouth. She threw cheerios and crayons every which way and then tried to fetch them. I felt like all eyes were on us, despite the fact we were on the back row.

I'm sure people wondered why we didn't just take her to the nursery. I'm sure she disturbed many people, including us. My hope and prayer is that each week it will get better and that maybe some day I can actually engage in a service again. By the time service let out, I was exhausted and more drained than when we arrived. I'm used to going to church to get "recharged" and these days I leave feeling worse than when I arrived. It's hard enough to get up and get everyone ready and out the door on time. The whole service I felt this internal battle and a voice booming, "It's not worth it. Just stay home. Do you think this helps? Don't you feel SO much better? Aren't you glad you went through all this trouble for this?". I know that Satan would love for me to buy his lies and quite honestly, I'm pretty close to it. It's not worth it. I don't feel better. I usually leave bitter and angry. What once was the highlight of my week is now a really sore subject. I hate that. I know that it is the right thing to do to keep going, but man, is it hard sometimes.

I'm also struggling with Kate in general right now. One one hand she is SO normal. If I was going to be honest, she's probably above normal. She talks and communicates very well. She is sharp as a tack and since she's my second, I know this is not always a great thing. She appears to be physically normal. She runs, jumps, climbs, laughs and plays. I'm having a horrible time knowing where she's normal and where she different. One minute I feel like I'm being an overprotective, hypochondriac who needs to just get real. Maybe I should just send her to nursery. I know that if I do this that we will be out the next week with some new illness. Any of you who have kids know how frustrating, draining, horrible it is to have a sick baby. It's SO consuming. The last thing I want is for her to be sick again and I know it will happen. But don't all kids get sick? Isn't this a part of having kids?

I feel like I don't have the right to ask for special favors or help at church, after all so many people have kids that are FAR worse than Kate. I feel like we are supposed to live life as normal, but what does this mean with a kid like Kate? Normal isn't so easy any more. Every play date, outing, shopping cart, restaurant high chair, public bathroom, family member, becomes a chance at a new illness and it makes my mind crazy!!! I am constantly second guessing myself, "Should we ________? If we commit to _____ will she be well? If we do go _______ is it going to expose her to something?". Every turn there is doubt and regret. I've struggled with a lot of this with her being sick in the past, but this "diagnosis" hasn't helped. It is so hard to know where to be cautious and where to loosen up. I feel like I haven't been able to just relax. I know that the only way I'm going to feel this peace that passes ALL understanding is from God. I know that I need to just let go, but it is just so hard sometimes.

On My Toes

Well, she keeps me on my toes, that little Kate. Last night after nursing well at bedtime, she went to sleep. She was up at 2:00 am, just as I hit publish on the last post. She was running fever and fussy, so I gave her some Motrin. She asked to nurse and latched right on. Once again, no problems. She was awake in my bed when Leah joined the mix at 3:30. Her legs hurt (maybe from 3 straight hours of gymnastics) and she couldn't sleep. Kate nursed about 3 times between 2 and 5 when I finally kicked both girls back to their own beds on an unnecessary roughness violation.

I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a train, but confident since I was, again engorged. Maybe that's what I needed to boost my supply back up. But alas, she wouldn't latch this morning. In fact today, we were 0 for 3 on our norms. I offered often, but was rejected. A few times she even asked for it, but then wouldn't try. I don't know. She is SO confusing. She did have a fever all day and some diarrhea that got much worse as the night went on. I am guessing that it's from the vaccines Wednesday. She's also still cutting all her eye teeth. And she has a horrible (see: lit up like the fourth of July sky) diaper rash again. I still feel like there is something else underlying though.

If ANYONE out there has had experience like this (or not), I am asking for advice. At this point I am not even 100% sure that it is all that beneficial, especially since she is not taking much of the expressed milk. She did take several ounces hidden in her yogurt drink today! However I don't know that I am ready to be "done" yet. I would feel really guilty if she got to feeling better and came looking for it, only to find we were, indeed, done.

Going Grey and Becoming "One of THOSE people" All at Once

Well, if I don't wind up with grey hair after this week, I may not ever. Saturday we spent the day sleep deprived and sore from our trek to Schlitterbahn. Daddy-O left to work on his motorcycle while I refereed two very cranky girls. Saturday night, Kate screamed from 2:30 am to 5:30 am. Daddy-O and Leah headed out to church Sunday morning while I, willingly "took one for the team" and stayed home with Kate. I knew that I just couldn't do it. I haven't sat thorough Bible class in ages, nor a sermon since Kate was very little. She has been out of nursery and Bible class for so long that she goes APE and screams bloody murder until the attendant tracks us down. Seriously, last week an adult from one hall down came to see what the problem was and if they needed help. Unfortunately, our church doesn't have a "cry room" or training room and the parent nursery doesn't have sound in it. There are beautiful, plasma TVs lining the hallways (I guess so that you don't miss the sermon if you are roaming the halls?). I used to sit on the floor just outside the auditorium doors so that I could "watch" the sermon, but since Kate is training for her first marathon, this has become a futile task. Instead we play chase...or sit in the nursery....or walk the foyer.....or sit in the car. It becomes increasingly more irritating every single week. I knew, this day, running on such little sleep and patience would prove to be a bad idea for her bottom my nerves.

We chilled at the casa until church let out and we finished her breathing treatments and then met Daddy-O at Mammy and Pops house for lunch. We had a nice lunch, with a little birthday celebration for Leah, and a wonderful, homemade ice cream cake. We played and visited until a little after 3, then headed home for naps and a quiet afternoon. For dinner, we met up with Brandon, Erin, Micah, Lisa and Isaiah and then played in the fountains. This lasted about 10 minutes, which included many fits, "NO'S", bathroom trips and sighs. The girls were horrible. It was home and straight to bed.

Between Thursday night's nursing issues and Sunday night, I'm not sure what our batting average nursing total was, but I think we hit most of our "norms". We may have skipped one or two. By Monday, Leah's birthday, I noticed that Kate had a new tooth. All four of her eye teeth were working their way through. This might explain the fussiness and fussiness there was. I didn't feel well Monday. My throat was scratchy, my eyes itched and I was fussy. Leah on the other hand was a total kiss up angel. I tried to pull it together for the birthday girl. We slept in a little, I made her birthday pancakes, she opened presents when Daddy-O got home from work and we then headed over to her preschool to put down a sacrificial young calf small deposit for the school year and secure her spot. We got there and unloaded, only to find out that the staff had gone for an early lunch. We hopped back in the car and headed to Wal-Mart to pick up some things for a cake...and some lunch...and some presents I hadn't gotten yet that she totally saw in the cart. Mother of the year, I know.

We headed home to bake cupcakes. I nursed Kate and put her down for a nap while I baked cupcakes. Got a call from mom about some work things that needed to be done ASAP. Got a call from the preschool director stating that they were back in the office and would be there for half an hour if I wanted to swing back by. Or I could come Wednesday. I realized after telling them that I would be there Wednesday, that the girls had their well checks that morning and I would have Isaiah. I called them back on my way out the door. Got there. Paid for school. Filled out papers. Got home. Iced cupcakes. Wrapped presents. Did some work stuff. Got Kate up and headed out to Incredible Pizza for Leah's birthday dinner. We had a nice dinner and had fun playing games, putt putt golf, laser tag and racing go-karts. Leah had fun, Kate was a brat. She screamed, she cried, she hit other kids. She was a mess. She is so out of sorts these days. She was climbing up the slides. She jumped off the top of the play equipment. She ran us rugged.

Tuesday morning, Leah woke up and wanted to play with her new sidewalk chalk and paint brushes. After arguing that it was too hot, I gave in and took the girls out to the driveway in grubby shirts. I gave them a bucket of chalk, four cups of paint and a brush each, and told them to have fun while I attempted to drown out the noise mowed the lawn. They had a blast for the first 10 minutes, eating chalk, painting the ground and each other. Then the paint dried...and it began itching...and Kate was wandering the street...and it really was hot...and it wasn't too much fun anymore.

So I was sweaty, hot, cranky, not feeling well, and had only 1/3 of the yard done. The girls were covered in paint, hot, cranky and wanted in the house NOW. I hollered at Daddy-O, who grabbed the camera, to throw them in the shower and I would be inside in just a minute. After a shower and a bath to get the "washable" paint off, the girls still had "spots" all over them and both of our bathrooms looked like a rainbow threw up in them. I got the girls lunch and settled in for nap/quiet time and snuck out with my mom for a business meeting. I got home in time to finish some work and get laundry going. I think Kate nursed once this day and continued with her fussiness. I began pumping, not knowing what else to do. By now, I was getting real emotional about the whole thing. Sure she is 15 months old and I had NO intention of nursing her this long. However, she does have 2 immune deficiencies and BOTH of the immuglobins she is already short on are found in breastmilk. And the amount peaks after 13 months. And it's almost flu season. And I didn't know that it was going to be the last time. AND she IS my last baby, for crying out loud!!!!! And for the record, I was!

Not to mention the fact that I was engorged and hurting pretty badly! So Wenesday morning, I got up early, got the girls up and ready and wound up pumping again. Kate wanted nothing to do with nursing, again. She wasn't even trying to latch. She would just stick out her tongue and shake her head "no". We were out the door, with Isaiah in tow, by 9:30. We sat in the waiting room at the pedi's office for over an hour. I hate that Leah's birthday, and consequently well checks, fall during the "back to school run to the doctor for shots and physicals" season. I always have to schedule her appointments 6 months in advance (hence the appointment on a day with Isaiah) and it is always a zoo.

So after an hour we head back into a maze of measuring, weighing, blood pressure, temperatures, hearing tests and vision tests. We cram our wagon and all three kiddos in our room and bust out the cheerios and toys. We go through the questionnaires for both girls and wait for the doc. Leah needed to pee, so we took the wagon and babies to the bathroom. On the way back, Leah was walking behind me, while I pulled the wagon, and apparently I "ran her over". She wailed and threw a fit while everyone stopped and stared. We ran back to the room to hide. The doc comes in and does a quick check of both girls, while halfway listening to my concerns about Kate's not feeling well and weaning. She informs me that some kids wean at this age and that nothing is wrong (ie. ears, throat, etc.). Normally if I pull some Hypochondriasis present a concern about a certain area, she will recheck it, just to be safe. But not today. When I inquired about what would happen if she isn't getting IGG and IGA from me, she brushed it off, because it "wasn't really that much" and "wasn't worth pumping for". Typically she is SO patient with us and takes her time, going above and beyond the call of duty. This appointment I felt rushed, out of sorts and like she wasn't really listening. I don't know if she was having a bad day or what. Granted the babies were tired, and noisy, and ready for lunch and a nap, but still. Note to self: Well checks on the same day are NOT a good idea and will NOT save you any time.

As she was leaving, I had to pull her back in for my list of questions. We got through those in record time and sat waiting for the vaccine portion of our visit. The nurse came in almost immediately, which is unheard of. Actually, there were two. One for each girl. One stuck Kate three times in the leg, while the other squirted a flu vaccine up Leah's nose. While Kate wailed, Leah continuously rubbed it in. "Kate-Kate, Sissy didn't have to get ANY shots.....No.....not ANY at all!". I stuck a sucker in both their mouths and maneuvered the wagon back through the narrow hall, with Leah in front of me this time. We got to the check out and had to wait for someone to come help us. I got a copy of Leah's shot record and vision/hearing tests for school and we wandered out. At this point, I realized what all the rush was about. It was 12:30 (our appointment was at 10:00) and it was catered lunch day at the office. The whole entire office staff was sitting in the waiting room eating barbecue on TV trays. Nice! We were, characteristically, the last ones to leave and were quite possibly making them all late to lunch. My BAD!

*Note: I LOVE our doctor and while I wanted to scream and cry on Wednesday, she has done SO much for me and my family. I think I am WAY crazy depressed, overwhelmed and tired this week and I may have just caught her on a bad day as well!

We head home, trying to keep the babies awake, fix lunch and get them all down for naps. Kate still wants nothing to do with nursing or drinking expressed milk. She, ironically, acts like it's the nastiest thing she's ever tasted. She has a rough time going to sleep and I even try to nurse her again, once she's in the sleepy state. I'm feeling scores of emotions at this point. Relieved, after my 15 month term, I'm free? Stressed, is she going to be really sick now? Confused, what in the heck would cause this? Irritated, how many times have we done this before? Torn, is this the right thing to do? Crazy, am I one of THOSE crazy people who is going to be nursing a school aged kid? Stunned, I didn't know it would be this hard! Alone, has anyone else ever dealt with this and am I making to big a deal out of this? Enlightened, I DO have control issues. Sad, that special, unique bond we had is gone.

I think I was already hormonal, emotional, sleep deprived, not feeling well, but this was a hard bite to swallow. I wasn't ready. I didn't know that it was going to be the last time. What was our "status" or relationship going to be like now? I felt rejected. The bubbly little girl sticking her tongue out and shaking her head "no" cut WAY deeper than I expected it too. I called the Lactation Office at the hospital where I had Kate. I knew I would be getting the "hippie, nature spiel", but needed to talk to someone who might understand. Or at least help me sort through the clues as to whether this was Kate's way of weaning or simply a nursing strike. They never called back. I called Lisa, who encouraged me to keep pumping and even let me borrow her nice, electric pump. She shared that she regretted giving in to outside voices to quit.

I've realized this week that I am empty. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. I need sleep. I need peace. I need God. Kate's health issues shouldn't and realistically AREN'T keeping me from my walk with God. My religion or lack there of, has become my spirituality. I have to fix that. Digging into the good book here at my home isn't going to expose her to anything but love, kindness, patience, peace, self control. All the things that I am deficient in right now. I've snapped at my kids and husband WAY more times than I'm okay with this week. I don't like who I am right now. And I we are going to fix that.

Today I got a hold of the lactation consultant that taught our breastfeeding class and whom I worked with after my uterine ablation . She is a very sweet gal and was so encouraging. She seemed to think that Kate's problem was temporary since she didn't really gradually wean and she has had so much going on (ie. vacation, teething, vaccines). She said to continue offering the breast, pumping and offering the expressed milk, even if we had to mix it with something and like a nutcase desperate mother, I even tried adding strawberry syrup to it (strawberry milk, right? Yeah, not so much).

Her explanation for the funny look Kate gives after tasting it makes sense. For 15 months, she received her milk straight from the tap. She's never had it in a cup before. It doesn't "match" in her mind. Also, things can taste very different depending on what part of your tongue they touch. Since a nipple is able to reach further back than a cup, it truly does taste different to her.

After talking with her and Daddy-O, I decided that I would continue to pump and offer for a few days. In that time if she kept refusing the breast, but drinking the expressed milk, that would be our new routine, as much hassle as it is. If she didn't drink the milk that was expressed or attempt to latch on, we would count our blessing and move on. At nap time, she latched on and nursed one side, but not the other. A little improvement. Tonight after a big day and a big dose of Motrin to ensure that pain wasn't the culprit she nursed both sides fully, while playing with my hair, as if nothing had ever changed. I am not sure what tomorrow will hold, but for tonight, I'm finding peace in our decision and leaving the rest at God's feet.

I may be one of "those" crazy, hippie folk that I used to make fun of, but I hope pray in the end, I've done what is best for my baby.

New Braunfels and Schlitterbahn

My parents made plans to take some family friends to Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels last Friday. Their plan was to be at the park at opening (10 am) and stay until closing (8 pm). They invited us to go and there was born a plan. You see, Lisa and I thought we could do the babies a favor by driving up on Thursday night, staying the night at a hotel (with a voucher I had) and meeting the family and our husbands at the park at 10 o'clock on Friday. While planning we decided there was no reason to drive up just to go to bed and decided to leave around lunchtime. We ate lunch and headed out. I didn't nurse Kate before we left because I figured she would nap once we got there and we were in a hurry. So off we went. Also, our camera bit the dust so we picked up a Nikon D60 so you should see a little improvement in our photos, I hope!

It wasn't long before one was doing this...

While the other did this...

There was some lovin' and some fussin'

And finally some of that...

Just in time for this...

Which woke everyone back up

We made it to the hotel and got unpacked. I tried to nurse Kate, but she wanted nothing to do with it. I chalked it up to the fact that she had just witnessed me putting together the pack'n'play and she knew I was trying to get her to sleep. We decided after a few minutes of kids playing with the phone and refrigerator and jumping on the bed, that we needed to get out of the room.

So we headed out to the San Marcos outlet mall with a pit stop at Cracker Barrel because according to Leah, "that is where you eat on trips".

After dinner we stopped at a few stores and found a few good deals. We stopped by the bathrooms for diaper changes and found a carousel.

The kids had fun riding, until...

It stopped...

And then they got angry.

So we followed the beautiful Texas sky back to the motel.

And let the kids swim for a bit.

At 10:30 we started getting kids in bed. Kate still wouldn't nurse and by this time I was very engorged. I kept trying and she was just plain upset. At one point she head butted me and put my tooth through my lip. She then found herself in the playpen. She was so overtired. I let her cry for a few minutes, while I cried on my pillow. I hurt (my lip and chest) and I was a little stressed not knowing what to do. I didn't have a pump or pads or Advil or cabbage. After 15 months she sure picked a prime time to quit on me. I eventually gathered myself and tried again. She nursed well and went to sleep.

We all slept pretty well until 7:15 when Isaiah fussed and woke us all up. He, then, went right back to sleep. The girls were all up though. Since they had foiled our great plans, we got our swimsuits back on and had breakfast (which Kate nursed fine at)...

then loaded up and met up with the family...

And headed here...

We got in and found a "home base" for the coolers, stroller, wagon, towels, etc., got lockers, tubes and sunscreen and then split up. My group headed to one of the big canal rides. If you have never been, they have these rides that are like a big concrete river that have drops and tunnels. They take about 45 minutes to ride and are filled with water straight out of the river....very cold!

You even wind up in the river at the end of them. We hopped in line for one and waited about 45 minutes. Kate was tired until she hit that water. They have tubes with mesh nets for the kids so that they can sit in the hole of the tube without falling through. She LOVED it. We rode rides like these and played in the kiddie section, stopping only for lunch, until 5:00 pm. She went non-stop that whole time. Finally at 5 she slept for 45 minutes and then went back at it.

Leah had been to this park before, both in and out utero, but was too young to remember it. She loved it. She was a real trooper, never napping and never getting fussy. Kate was a true maniac though. These rides are not meant for small children and are rated "high thrill/deep water". That girl learned after the first slide (mind you, at 15 months) what the top of the drops looked like and would stand up and "surf" in her tube until the top, when she would "hunker down" like a ground hog, at the very last second. There was a lot of signing and screaming for more. Every time she saw a life guard along the way she would fuss at them thinking the ride was over. The life guards began remembering her and wouldn't even bother touching her tube. She was too fun! She is SO intense and loves a big thrill. Both girls had SO much fun and we had a blast watching them. I obviously couldn't take our camera with us, but Micah took his High Def video camera with a water proof case so we hope to have some great shots on that.

At 7:45 pm, 15 minutes prior to closing, we all hopped on one more 45 minute chute ride as a group. We then loaded up for the trek home. Kate slept about 45 minutes of the 3 1/2 hour drive home, but Glenn and Leah slept the whole way. We got home and in bed around 2:00 am, but it was SO worth it. We had a blast!

Clowning Around

On Thursday, July 23rd, we were able to see Cirque du Soliel's Saltimbanco show. We were given some tickets for a suite. The show was great. This was the fourth show that Daddy-O and I have seen, but was Leah, Kate and my brother, J.T.'s first. J.T. and Leah were super impressed and watched every minute with their jaws on the ground. Kate enjoyed the snacks and running around the suite. In hind sight, we should have called the sitter for her. I shouldn't be allowed to vote since I wrangled kids for the majority of the show, but it wasn't my favorite. I think a lot of it was the distractions. Even more disappointing was that it was in a basketball arena instead of the classic Cirque tent. I felt like I lost some of the connection with the performers because of the distance. Regardless, it was still a fun experience.

On Friday, July 24th, Mammy and Pops took us to Ringling Bros. circus. Leah has been a few times, but this was Kate's first trip. We started the night on the floor looking at the animals and watching the clowns up close. Kate seemed interested for about 5 minutes and then wanted to run around. Leah really "got it" this year. She thought the jokes were funny and was amazed at the tricks.

We took our seats in time for the show to start. We were in a VERY crowded section and Kate and I sat next to another large lady and her 1 year old. So basically there were 4+ of us in 2 of the seats. It was slightly more crowded than a can of sardines. It was near impossible to move, since my "new friend" was sitting on half of my lap. Kate was on the other. While I tried to keep Kate folded like a pretzel to avoid kicking the man in front of us, I juggled her sippy and snacks. I didn't see much of the first half as I fixated on the completely empty section to my right. I let Daddy-O know that at intermission, Kate and I were out of there. There was no hope of getting any pictures for the first half.

At intermission I asked the usher if we could move to the abandoned section and her response was nothing short of heavenly, "Any where you want, sweetheart". AHHH, music to my ears. I drug Kate, all her stuff and my very asleep (from lack of circulation) leg over to a nice empty row. She could run, she could kick, she could do what ever she wanted. It was SO nice. All that to say, these are from the second half of the show. Towards the end Kate was exhausted and became quite delirious. I don't know where she got it from (hint: last photo).

Kate's favorite part was the circus delicacies such as pretzels, snow cones, popcorn and cotton candy. Leah's favorite part was the people dressed up as butterflies. Mine was watching the show through their eyes. A great time was had by all. Thanks for a wonderful time, Mammy and Pops!