Fear Of Failure

As of lately, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the raising of my daughters. I want so much to be the "perfect parent". Although I know this is not a tangible goal, I am a perfectionist. I am not sure if I have always been one or if and when I became one. I don't know if this is a product of nature or nurture. Of all of the aspects of parenting, this is one of the ones I struggle with the most.

I want to strive to be perfect because I believe it is what God calls us to be. I also know that ALL have fallen short of this goal and it is only through Christ that we CAN BE made perfect. Yet, still I have a tendency to expect perfection out of myself and those around me and that can make for difficult relationships. I have to constantly remind myself that just because my husband didn't clean the bathroom the way I would have, doesn't mean that it isn't clean. After 7 years of marriage, I have come to see the perfectionism in myself for it's goods and bads. I have been able to see firsthand how my expectations can ruin one's desire to help and hurt their self-esteem.

As a mother, the last thing I want to do is hurt my child's self-esteem. There are so many people and things in this world that can leave a child feeling worthless. I plan to try my hardest to avoid our home becoming one of those things.

I see fear of failure everywhere I look. When we were trying to conceive, people would ask if we were trying to get pregnant and my staple answer was, "we aren't not trying". I have heard this from so many people. Why is it so hard for us to say, "yeah, we are trying"? I really think it is fear of failure. If we are "trying" and aren't pregnant yet, then we are "failing". What if someone thinks that? What if they piece it together? Would I be less of a woman? How would they treat me?

We have entire little league sports organizations dedicated to making "every kid a winner". They purposefully don't keep score so that no one losses. They play for the simple joy of playing. However, every child on the field could tell you what the real score is when the game is over. Is it that bad of a thing to lose? Isn't there always a winner and a loser? Will it really crush a 4 year old to be on the losing team at a soccer game?

Don't get me wrong. I know that as humans we take things to a dangerous level when it comes to competition. I have been to soccer games in Honduras, where you have to fear for your life if you cheer for the wrong team. It may be because I am a perfectionist that I don't like competitive things (especially sports). I think it's hard for me to enjoy if I know that my imperfections may let my teammates down. However I know without a doubt that sometimes, I am the loser. Sometimes it sucks to be me.

I want my kids to grow up knowing the same thing. Sometimes you screw up. Some days it's just not your day. Sometimes the cards don't fall in your favor. It doesn't mean your life is ruined. It doesn't mean that you are a failure. It's okay (and even healthy) to mess up. It's okay to flunk a class. It's okay to disappoint those around you (on occasion). It's what you do with those situations that matters.

Is losing a soccer game going to make you practice harder? Is flunking a class going to make you study more? Is disappointing your friend going to make you realize how much you need that relationship? Is letting God down going to cause you to study His word or draw closer to him? If so, then bring on the failure. I know how much I personally have grown through my own failures.

I watch my oldest daughter struggle constantly with the balance of perfection and failure. I know that some of this is my fault. Not only do I have high standards for her and those around me, I also have failed to show my personal failures. When I watched her, at eighteen months old, straighten out the bathroom mat before she threw a fit on it, I knew. When I saw her at two and a half, pick up a pair of scissors and with correct form cut a line and then throw a fit because it wasn't exactly where she wanted it, I knew. Never mind the fact there are kindergartners who still can't use scissors properly. When I see her have an all out meltdown because she spilled at dinner or got something on her clothing, I know. I know that I have created a monster. Whether by nature or nurture, she has become just like me. Imperfect!

I hope that as I raise my girls I can show them my imperfections. That I can teach them, not only by my words, but by my actions, how to accept failure. I hope that they are confident enough in the good decisions they make, that a few bad ones won't break them. I pray that they will be able to see themselves the way that God seems them...Perfect in His image.