Catching Up

Where did I leave off? Oh, yeah, weaning and whining...

Well, Kate hasn't nursed since my last post. I've had to pump to try and wean myself, but am down to once a day and hoping to be done with that in a few days. She still hasn't taken to drinking the expressed milk unless I hide it in her yogurt drink, with her probiotics. It's like a baby smoothie.

As of late Saturday it was obvious that Kate had come down with a stomach virus. She had the type of diarrhea that she could be dry one second and wet up to her armpits the next. Nothing but water, very acidic water. Because of this problem, coupled with her propensity for diaper rash, she was miserable. After the first 36 hours of stomach cramps, her tummy seemed to feel fine. The rash was her biggest complaint. We followed all the typical stomach virus advice. We followed the BRAT (bananas, rice, apples and toast) diet, changed her diapers often and immediately (due to the nature of the problem, this wasn't optional), used an antacid directly on her skin, rinsed her bottom with water instead of using wipes, coated her up in Balmex, Butt Paste, Desitin and corn starch, watched closely for dehydration and prayed that the rest of us would avoid it.

By Monday the diaper rash had gotten out of hand. It was up to her armpits. Every place that was touched by the stuff was burned instantly. She had spots that were bleeding and was just in a lot of pain. I called and asked for something stronger and got the whole, "It's been going on too long, she needs to be seen" spiel. If I could get through to the doctor, instead of the nurse, I am sure she would have called something in, avoiding more exposure. After all we had been in the week before for a "well" check. Wonder where she got the tummy bug? The doctor checked her out, said it was acid burns and wrote for a prescription of Happy Hiney (Aquaphor/Questran). She wrote for a big tub with 5 refills, so hopefully we can avoid the trip in next time. By Friday, she was finally feeling better and more solid. Although she is back to normal, she still cries about having her diaper change. She must have had some serious pain.

Since she was waking several times a night for diaper changes, she got in the habit of getting up every night. The last 2 nights she has slept the whole night through. The diarrhea, constant diaper changing, multiple loads of laundry (that wasn't the type that could wait), pumping 3+ times a day, 2 breathing treatments a day, made for a cranky mommy. I think we are finally back to normal for a few days.

On top of all of this, things are crazy busy at work. We have an order of 525 shirts for a school, we have a bunch of school orientations that we are setting booths up at and we are trying to get our spirit shirts out to as many schools as possible with the new school year just around the corner.

We are trying to enjoy the last few weeks of summer, as Leah starts school in a few weeks. She will be going a half day, four days a week. She is ready for the structure and a break from home (the babies) and I know that she will do well and thrive in this new environment. She will be in the same class as our neighbor, Ava, which will help her settle in. It will also be a huge blessing to be able to carpool.

While I feel like I am getting more of a "grip" on things, I still am having trouble with keeping my head above the water. I've been so emotional and cranky lately. I think I'm going through some hormonal changes, with the weaning and all, and I know a big part of my problem is exhaustion. Even when I sleep, I know that my body is not completely letting go. I lay there tense, worried about whether or not Kate's going to wake up or making lists of the things I've got to get done. Many times I've met Daddy-O in the stairwell on his way to work, while I'm headed to bed at 4 in the morning. I have got to get myself (and my kiddos) on a better schedule, especially with the start of school coming quickly.

I wrote before about how I felt drained. Daddy-O and I discussed the church issues and decided that Kate would just have to go to class with us. We decided that we would have to let her be a kid (while still trying to be respectful to those around us) and not worry about every noise she made. We went to class and within 5 minutes, Daddy-O had her in the hall. Between class and service we decided that we needed to discipline her behavior (mostly loudness) and take her back in to class or service. Otherwise it is a losing battle. We tried this approach in service and it went okay. I took her out once for a spanking. She spent most of the time with my hand covering her mouth. She threw cheerios and crayons every which way and then tried to fetch them. I felt like all eyes were on us, despite the fact we were on the back row.

I'm sure people wondered why we didn't just take her to the nursery. I'm sure she disturbed many people, including us. My hope and prayer is that each week it will get better and that maybe some day I can actually engage in a service again. By the time service let out, I was exhausted and more drained than when we arrived. I'm used to going to church to get "recharged" and these days I leave feeling worse than when I arrived. It's hard enough to get up and get everyone ready and out the door on time. The whole service I felt this internal battle and a voice booming, "It's not worth it. Just stay home. Do you think this helps? Don't you feel SO much better? Aren't you glad you went through all this trouble for this?". I know that Satan would love for me to buy his lies and quite honestly, I'm pretty close to it. It's not worth it. I don't feel better. I usually leave bitter and angry. What once was the highlight of my week is now a really sore subject. I hate that. I know that it is the right thing to do to keep going, but man, is it hard sometimes.

I'm also struggling with Kate in general right now. One one hand she is SO normal. If I was going to be honest, she's probably above normal. She talks and communicates very well. She is sharp as a tack and since she's my second, I know this is not always a great thing. She appears to be physically normal. She runs, jumps, climbs, laughs and plays. I'm having a horrible time knowing where she's normal and where she different. One minute I feel like I'm being an overprotective, hypochondriac who needs to just get real. Maybe I should just send her to nursery. I know that if I do this that we will be out the next week with some new illness. Any of you who have kids know how frustrating, draining, horrible it is to have a sick baby. It's SO consuming. The last thing I want is for her to be sick again and I know it will happen. But don't all kids get sick? Isn't this a part of having kids?

I feel like I don't have the right to ask for special favors or help at church, after all so many people have kids that are FAR worse than Kate. I feel like we are supposed to live life as normal, but what does this mean with a kid like Kate? Normal isn't so easy any more. Every play date, outing, shopping cart, restaurant high chair, public bathroom, family member, becomes a chance at a new illness and it makes my mind crazy!!! I am constantly second guessing myself, "Should we ________? If we commit to _____ will she be well? If we do go _______ is it going to expose her to something?". Every turn there is doubt and regret. I've struggled with a lot of this with her being sick in the past, but this "diagnosis" hasn't helped. It is so hard to know where to be cautious and where to loosen up. I feel like I haven't been able to just relax. I know that the only way I'm going to feel this peace that passes ALL understanding is from God. I know that I need to just let go, but it is just so hard sometimes.