Going Grey and Becoming "One of THOSE people" All at Once

Well, if I don't wind up with grey hair after this week, I may not ever. Saturday we spent the day sleep deprived and sore from our trek to Schlitterbahn. Daddy-O left to work on his motorcycle while I refereed two very cranky girls. Saturday night, Kate screamed from 2:30 am to 5:30 am. Daddy-O and Leah headed out to church Sunday morning while I, willingly "took one for the team" and stayed home with Kate. I knew that I just couldn't do it. I haven't sat thorough Bible class in ages, nor a sermon since Kate was very little. She has been out of nursery and Bible class for so long that she goes APE and screams bloody murder until the attendant tracks us down. Seriously, last week an adult from one hall down came to see what the problem was and if they needed help. Unfortunately, our church doesn't have a "cry room" or training room and the parent nursery doesn't have sound in it. There are beautiful, plasma TVs lining the hallways (I guess so that you don't miss the sermon if you are roaming the halls?). I used to sit on the floor just outside the auditorium doors so that I could "watch" the sermon, but since Kate is training for her first marathon, this has become a futile task. Instead we play chase...or sit in the nursery....or walk the foyer.....or sit in the car. It becomes increasingly more irritating every single week. I knew, this day, running on such little sleep and patience would prove to be a bad idea for her bottom my nerves.

We chilled at the casa until church let out and we finished her breathing treatments and then met Daddy-O at Mammy and Pops house for lunch. We had a nice lunch, with a little birthday celebration for Leah, and a wonderful, homemade ice cream cake. We played and visited until a little after 3, then headed home for naps and a quiet afternoon. For dinner, we met up with Brandon, Erin, Micah, Lisa and Isaiah and then played in the fountains. This lasted about 10 minutes, which included many fits, "NO'S", bathroom trips and sighs. The girls were horrible. It was home and straight to bed.

Between Thursday night's nursing issues and Sunday night, I'm not sure what our batting average nursing total was, but I think we hit most of our "norms". We may have skipped one or two. By Monday, Leah's birthday, I noticed that Kate had a new tooth. All four of her eye teeth were working their way through. This might explain the fussiness and fussiness there was. I didn't feel well Monday. My throat was scratchy, my eyes itched and I was fussy. Leah on the other hand was a total kiss up angel. I tried to pull it together for the birthday girl. We slept in a little, I made her birthday pancakes, she opened presents when Daddy-O got home from work and we then headed over to her preschool to put down a sacrificial young calf small deposit for the school year and secure her spot. We got there and unloaded, only to find out that the staff had gone for an early lunch. We hopped back in the car and headed to Wal-Mart to pick up some things for a cake...and some lunch...and some presents I hadn't gotten yet that she totally saw in the cart. Mother of the year, I know.

We headed home to bake cupcakes. I nursed Kate and put her down for a nap while I baked cupcakes. Got a call from mom about some work things that needed to be done ASAP. Got a call from the preschool director stating that they were back in the office and would be there for half an hour if I wanted to swing back by. Or I could come Wednesday. I realized after telling them that I would be there Wednesday, that the girls had their well checks that morning and I would have Isaiah. I called them back on my way out the door. Got there. Paid for school. Filled out papers. Got home. Iced cupcakes. Wrapped presents. Did some work stuff. Got Kate up and headed out to Incredible Pizza for Leah's birthday dinner. We had a nice dinner and had fun playing games, putt putt golf, laser tag and racing go-karts. Leah had fun, Kate was a brat. She screamed, she cried, she hit other kids. She was a mess. She is so out of sorts these days. She was climbing up the slides. She jumped off the top of the play equipment. She ran us rugged.

Tuesday morning, Leah woke up and wanted to play with her new sidewalk chalk and paint brushes. After arguing that it was too hot, I gave in and took the girls out to the driveway in grubby shirts. I gave them a bucket of chalk, four cups of paint and a brush each, and told them to have fun while I attempted to drown out the noise mowed the lawn. They had a blast for the first 10 minutes, eating chalk, painting the ground and each other. Then the paint dried...and it began itching...and Kate was wandering the street...and it really was hot...and it wasn't too much fun anymore.

So I was sweaty, hot, cranky, not feeling well, and had only 1/3 of the yard done. The girls were covered in paint, hot, cranky and wanted in the house NOW. I hollered at Daddy-O, who grabbed the camera, to throw them in the shower and I would be inside in just a minute. After a shower and a bath to get the "washable" paint off, the girls still had "spots" all over them and both of our bathrooms looked like a rainbow threw up in them. I got the girls lunch and settled in for nap/quiet time and snuck out with my mom for a business meeting. I got home in time to finish some work and get laundry going. I think Kate nursed once this day and continued with her fussiness. I began pumping, not knowing what else to do. By now, I was getting real emotional about the whole thing. Sure she is 15 months old and I had NO intention of nursing her this long. However, she does have 2 immune deficiencies and BOTH of the immuglobins she is already short on are found in breastmilk. And the amount peaks after 13 months. And it's almost flu season. And I didn't know that it was going to be the last time. AND she IS my last baby, for crying out loud!!!!! And for the record, I was!

Not to mention the fact that I was engorged and hurting pretty badly! So Wenesday morning, I got up early, got the girls up and ready and wound up pumping again. Kate wanted nothing to do with nursing, again. She wasn't even trying to latch. She would just stick out her tongue and shake her head "no". We were out the door, with Isaiah in tow, by 9:30. We sat in the waiting room at the pedi's office for over an hour. I hate that Leah's birthday, and consequently well checks, fall during the "back to school run to the doctor for shots and physicals" season. I always have to schedule her appointments 6 months in advance (hence the appointment on a day with Isaiah) and it is always a zoo.

So after an hour we head back into a maze of measuring, weighing, blood pressure, temperatures, hearing tests and vision tests. We cram our wagon and all three kiddos in our room and bust out the cheerios and toys. We go through the questionnaires for both girls and wait for the doc. Leah needed to pee, so we took the wagon and babies to the bathroom. On the way back, Leah was walking behind me, while I pulled the wagon, and apparently I "ran her over". She wailed and threw a fit while everyone stopped and stared. We ran back to the room to hide. The doc comes in and does a quick check of both girls, while halfway listening to my concerns about Kate's not feeling well and weaning. She informs me that some kids wean at this age and that nothing is wrong (ie. ears, throat, etc.). Normally if I pull some Hypochondriasis present a concern about a certain area, she will recheck it, just to be safe. But not today. When I inquired about what would happen if she isn't getting IGG and IGA from me, she brushed it off, because it "wasn't really that much" and "wasn't worth pumping for". Typically she is SO patient with us and takes her time, going above and beyond the call of duty. This appointment I felt rushed, out of sorts and like she wasn't really listening. I don't know if she was having a bad day or what. Granted the babies were tired, and noisy, and ready for lunch and a nap, but still. Note to self: Well checks on the same day are NOT a good idea and will NOT save you any time.

As she was leaving, I had to pull her back in for my list of questions. We got through those in record time and sat waiting for the vaccine portion of our visit. The nurse came in almost immediately, which is unheard of. Actually, there were two. One for each girl. One stuck Kate three times in the leg, while the other squirted a flu vaccine up Leah's nose. While Kate wailed, Leah continuously rubbed it in. "Kate-Kate, Sissy didn't have to get ANY shots.....No.....not ANY at all!". I stuck a sucker in both their mouths and maneuvered the wagon back through the narrow hall, with Leah in front of me this time. We got to the check out and had to wait for someone to come help us. I got a copy of Leah's shot record and vision/hearing tests for school and we wandered out. At this point, I realized what all the rush was about. It was 12:30 (our appointment was at 10:00) and it was catered lunch day at the office. The whole entire office staff was sitting in the waiting room eating barbecue on TV trays. Nice! We were, characteristically, the last ones to leave and were quite possibly making them all late to lunch. My BAD!

*Note: I LOVE our doctor and while I wanted to scream and cry on Wednesday, she has done SO much for me and my family. I think I am WAY crazy depressed, overwhelmed and tired this week and I may have just caught her on a bad day as well!

We head home, trying to keep the babies awake, fix lunch and get them all down for naps. Kate still wants nothing to do with nursing or drinking expressed milk. She, ironically, acts like it's the nastiest thing she's ever tasted. She has a rough time going to sleep and I even try to nurse her again, once she's in the sleepy state. I'm feeling scores of emotions at this point. Relieved, after my 15 month term, I'm free? Stressed, is she going to be really sick now? Confused, what in the heck would cause this? Irritated, how many times have we done this before? Torn, is this the right thing to do? Crazy, am I one of THOSE crazy people who is going to be nursing a school aged kid? Stunned, I didn't know it would be this hard! Alone, has anyone else ever dealt with this and am I making to big a deal out of this? Enlightened, I DO have control issues. Sad, that special, unique bond we had is gone.

I think I was already hormonal, emotional, sleep deprived, not feeling well, but this was a hard bite to swallow. I wasn't ready. I didn't know that it was going to be the last time. What was our "status" or relationship going to be like now? I felt rejected. The bubbly little girl sticking her tongue out and shaking her head "no" cut WAY deeper than I expected it too. I called the Lactation Office at the hospital where I had Kate. I knew I would be getting the "hippie, nature spiel", but needed to talk to someone who might understand. Or at least help me sort through the clues as to whether this was Kate's way of weaning or simply a nursing strike. They never called back. I called Lisa, who encouraged me to keep pumping and even let me borrow her nice, electric pump. She shared that she regretted giving in to outside voices to quit.

I've realized this week that I am empty. Spiritually, emotionally, physically. I need sleep. I need peace. I need God. Kate's health issues shouldn't and realistically AREN'T keeping me from my walk with God. My religion or lack there of, has become my spirituality. I have to fix that. Digging into the good book here at my home isn't going to expose her to anything but love, kindness, patience, peace, self control. All the things that I am deficient in right now. I've snapped at my kids and husband WAY more times than I'm okay with this week. I don't like who I am right now. And I we are going to fix that.

Today I got a hold of the lactation consultant that taught our breastfeeding class and whom I worked with after my uterine ablation . She is a very sweet gal and was so encouraging. She seemed to think that Kate's problem was temporary since she didn't really gradually wean and she has had so much going on (ie. vacation, teething, vaccines). She said to continue offering the breast, pumping and offering the expressed milk, even if we had to mix it with something and like a nutcase desperate mother, I even tried adding strawberry syrup to it (strawberry milk, right? Yeah, not so much).

Her explanation for the funny look Kate gives after tasting it makes sense. For 15 months, she received her milk straight from the tap. She's never had it in a cup before. It doesn't "match" in her mind. Also, things can taste very different depending on what part of your tongue they touch. Since a nipple is able to reach further back than a cup, it truly does taste different to her.

After talking with her and Daddy-O, I decided that I would continue to pump and offer for a few days. In that time if she kept refusing the breast, but drinking the expressed milk, that would be our new routine, as much hassle as it is. If she didn't drink the milk that was expressed or attempt to latch on, we would count our blessing and move on. At nap time, she latched on and nursed one side, but not the other. A little improvement. Tonight after a big day and a big dose of Motrin to ensure that pain wasn't the culprit she nursed both sides fully, while playing with my hair, as if nothing had ever changed. I am not sure what tomorrow will hold, but for tonight, I'm finding peace in our decision and leaving the rest at God's feet.

I may be one of "those" crazy, hippie folk that I used to make fun of, but I hope pray in the end, I've done what is best for my baby.