This is about a nightmare I had. It is kind of graphic and you may not want to read it.
About 5:00 am on Mother's Day morning I woke up from a horrible dream. I very rarely remember my dreams. About once a year I will have a very vivid dream that I remember. After having a dream I remember, 75 percent of the time, I am glad that I only remember few dreams. This one was no different. It was by far the worst dream I have EVER had.
It started with my Mom, my younger siblings and I walking down a dirt road toward their house. We had been out for a walk and were discussing the fact that the girls, Peanut and Sweet Pea, had been missing. I was not worried about them at all and figured they were back at my folks house, despite the fact they had been missing for 3 days. My Mom decided to go check along a river bed, down by the road. I followed behind her, chatting about this and that. We got to the bottom and she came across a double stroller, almost completely buried in the sand. There, in the stroller, were the two girls. I looked down to see Sweet Pea's face, barely uncovered in the sand. I fell down and pulled her out of the sand. She had drowned quite some time before. I will NEVER forget what I saw in this dream. She was wearing the same rainbow striped tank top, pink shorts and pink high tops she had been wearing (in real life) three days before. Everything down to her ponytail was the same. I fell apart and just sat in the sand holding her lifeless, little body and sobbing. In the dream, I didn't have much attachment to the baby. In fact, I don't remember her having a specific name. We just referred to her as the baby. All I could think about was all the memories I had with Sweet Pea. I couldn't lose one of my best friends. She had so much ahead of her.
After I woke up from the dream, I sat and cried. I then went in and joined Sweet Pea in her bed. About an hour later, I heard Peanut waking to eat, but I couldn't leave my bigger baby. I just wanted to lay and hold her forever. That afternoon we put the girls down for nap and I laid down as well. I couldn't sleep. I finally went in and carried Sweet Pea to my bed so that I could sleep next to her and hold her close.
I am not sure what the dream means or what triggered it. I know I have been feeling guilty for pushing Sweet Pea off with all the time it takes to care for a newborn. I have felt bad that a new baby has changed our relationship some. I think some of it may be from the fear of knowing we are done having kids and the what if's. I told my husband we would never use the double stroller again (because if something happens it would be to both kids), that I was signing the girls up for swimming lessons and that Sweet Pea will NEVER wear that outfit again. He thinks I'm crazy. There is one thing I do know for sure. Seeing my babies like that makes me cherish, even more, every minute I am given with them. I pray that God gives me many, many more memories with them both!
4 comments:
I teared up reading that! Becky how horrible. Your relationship might have changed but Sweet P loves being a big sister!! And in a few months when Sweet P and peanut can really play together you will see.
I had a dream similar to that - after that big bridge clapsed that I was driving over a bridge and my vehicle went into the water and it was just me and the kids. I could not save both of them, I had to pick which one to get out of their car seats. It was horrible. Everytime I would drive and still drive over a big bridge I think about that. I have put a pair of scissors in my car so I can cut them out if need be!!
You're a good mama, and good mamas have natural fears and concerns, which our subconscious can turn into nightmares. Your hormones have not yet completely returned to normal, either - which can intensify dreams and nightmares. So I hope your mind can be eased, knowing that your dream was probably a distorted reflection of perfectly natural emotions, and certainly not a prediction, of any kind. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a scary night! Enjoy your girls - both of them. They are sweethearts.
That's so sad. I don't even want to imagine. I do think about things like that sometimes and it just makes me want to hold my boy close and breathe him in.
Ok, reading that made me tear up too and I already heard you tell the story. Hopefully it was just some isolated incident and you don't keep having those kind of dreams. Seriously, don't do that again.
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